It's kind of like being on vacation with God.

We move tomorrow. So of course I need to blab about something in this whole process that is built up inside of me. Here's the first thing that I need to remember I have learned.

...So yesterday I had this deep thought about life as I was talking to Denise. I was saying that life with God is a lot like going on vacation together in life. It doesn't matter if we go to California, Nebraska, or just visit each other, we are just happy we get to be together. And for the first time I felt like I got that is how God created this journey of life to be. Kind of like going on vacation with Him. Doesn't matter what house we live in, what job we have, what shoes we wear. It's just important that...

...we are together.

God and us. Doing this life together with God is a lot of times just about calling each other and connecting. Sometimes it is about the big stuff like crying about how we feel defeated and overwhelmed, sometimes it about what purse to buy, and sometimes it is just because we have a minute and what better than to pick up the phone and call. I want my life with God to be a relationship like that. A relationship that we can go anywhere and have a good time because we are together. A relationship that when we go on vacation we have a blast because it is an extension of our ongoing daily relationship. Of course I would rather go snorkel with the turtles than go to Nebraska, but I have the trust that even when we are doing the mundane of life the awesome will still be a part of the bigger story. Story. The story is about the characters first and foremost. You cannot have a story if you don't have characters in it. Then they connect. This is where I am at in so many ways. I am asking...who are the characters in my story? How do they connect? Then I wonder what are they doing? All story has parts that build into the purpose of the story. The movies that have action the whole time aren't really real in any way. They don't win those "sundance deep movie awards" or whatever they are called. They just have a whole bunch of stuff blowing up a lot. They don't make you think. The stories that make you think sometimes feel like they are moving really slow. There are these times where songs are playing and they are on road trips. Or they are at a wedding dancing or they are going out to dinner or playing frisbee. They are just being real people. Those are the movies that move me. Those are the ones that I know there is something more going on than just what you see at the moment. There is a story being built. There is connections being made. So I guess as I prepare for the next chapter in my story I want it to be more than I can see at the moment. I want it to be where a song is playing as I pack my house and eat twizzlers and sprite that Jenn brought over, and Micah takes the longest bath ever and sings about leaving the house the whole time, and Aidan builds on the Lego Creator software because "it is where your ideas can come to life". I want my ideas to come to life. I want my story to come to life. Just like the salmon that swim against the stream to create life I want to do that.

I know don't want to be just another boring person in suburban America. I really hope that I can create something from this seemingly ordinary life into something that inspires. Inspires hope. Inspires others to go beyond. Inspires others to create.

"Help me remembers"

I've known for a while that our minds are a battlefield. I've known that when I make gratitude lists I am remembering intentionally my blessings and that gives me perspective. But tonight I knew I needed to go deeper...I knew I needed to go deeper into my word in a Jesus and spiritual way.
And this is what I found:

Remembering Jesus

by Mark D. Roberts

READ 1 Corinthians 11:17-32

Then he broke it in pieces and said, "This is my body, which is given for you. Do this to remember me." In the same way, he took the cup of wine after supper, saying, "This cup is the new covenant between God and his people—an agreement confirmed with my blood. Do this to remember me as often as you drink it."

1 Corinthians 11:24-25

In order to deal with problems in the way the Corinthians were celebrating the Lord's Supper, the Apostle Paul reminded them of the tradition he had passed on earlier. He told once again the most basic story of the Last Supper, including crucial words of Jesus: "This is my body, which is given for you. Do this to remember me." "This cup is the new covenant between God and his people—an agreement confirmed with my blood. Do this to remember me as often as you drink it" (11:24-25).

In the original Greek of this passage, twice Paul uses the word anamnesis, which means "remembrance." Twice he quotes Jesus as saying, "Do this in remembrance of me." Why is remembering so essential? What happens when we remember Jesus?

Remembering is a central aspect of biblical faith. The people of Israel are to remember God's goodness to them, most of all his action of delivering them from bondage in Egypt (see, for example, Exod. 13:13; Deut. 5:5). Forgetting what God had done for them was the first step towards rebelling against him (Ps. 106:7). Thus David prays, "Let all that I am praise the LORD; may I never forget the good things he does for me" (Ps. 103:2).

Biblical faith rests, not just upon the revelation of God's truth in the form of laws or concepts, but also and essentially upon God's self-revelation through actions. God makes himself known to us through what he does, most of all, in saving us from sin. Thus, we know God most clearly when we remember the good things he does for us, the center of which is the saving death of Christ on the cross.

When we remember Jesus, we see God with clear vision. When we remember Jesus, we are refreshed in his grace. When we remember Jesus, we know, once again, that nothing in all creation can separate us from God's love.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION: The Lord's Supper is the central means by which we remember Jesus and his death for us. When you participate in this sacrament, how do you think of Jesus? What else in life helps you to remember God's love for you in Christ?

PRAYER: Lord Jesus, how good it is, how important it is, to remember you. In the busy rush of life, I can begin to live forgetfully. Though I know what you have done for me, I can go through a day without recalling your grace. Forgive me, Lord!

Help me to remember your love when I celebrate your Supper.

Help me to remember your love when I am tempted to sin against you.

Help me to remember your love when I have the opportunity to love a person in need.

Help me to remember your love when I feel afraid and lonely.

May I live each day remembering you, Lord Jesus, and your love for me demonstrated in your death.

All praise be to you! Amen.

I highlighted the above that jumped out at me. That forgetting was the first step towards rebellion. Wow. I knew remembering was important but having it in that light gave me all the more perspective of how critical it is:

So here are my "help me remembers":

• Help me remember your love when I'm overwhelmed. To know that your love goes beyond our circumstances and reaches into our heart and uses those things for good. Not just neutral, get though it attitude but good.

• Help me remember your love when I can't see beyond the moment. When I know that "spring is coming" and summer is right behind it...but all I can see is the snow and yuck. Help me remember that the shine always shines. The seasons always change.
  

• Help me remember your love when I want to have it all done right now. When I want life to feel complete help me remember that your love is not about life being in a good place because our stuff is done but because our sins are forgiven and we have eternal life where we don't have to toil.

• Help me remember your love when I feel disconnected. When I feel too much like a machine and not like a being...help me to remember what you created me for and help that to overcome my feelings with truth.
  

I want to...

I want to not always be living in urgent mode. I want to go for a run. I want to get quality time with my kids. I want to have more grace and less frustration. I want to play games and dance and dance. I want to bake bread. I want to take a nap. I want to finish my laundry and whole bunch of other stuff on my to-do list. I want to let everything on my to-do list go. I want to sit in the sun. I want to eat cookies. I want to swim and and swim. I want to get my house clean. I want to remember what is important.

A thankful list just because

I reread a bunch of my posts tonight and found that they inspired me to make a list just because so here it goes.
Thankful for:
1. Being able to do my laundry. Hasn't been that easy for the last 2 years.
2. Silence. Also hasn't been that easy.
3. Grad school. The opportunity to do something I've longed for. I have to remember that.
4. Aidan being so excited about looking on the computer at Legos with Micah.
5. Playing the "balloon game" with the boys. Didn't know you could have so much fun for less than $0.10
6. The boys birthday celebrations and the reminder that they bring of my mom.
7. Getting around safe in the snow.
8. Boots that don't hurt my feet.
9. Coming in the house and having Jeremy rocking it with the boys on his own homework that he makes up for them.
10. Realizing that my attitude towards my students impacts the rest of the hour. Start on a high.
11. Getting through another chapter of Geometry.
12. Not having rose sales be as bad as I thought.
13. Making cheese sandwiches for dinner for lunches for the next day,
14. New jeans that are too big because I've already got in better shape.
15. A treadmill in the house. Seriously rocking.
16. Saying no to good so I have time for great.
17. Quiet time for everybody.
18. Dreaming of summer and not having to make lunches.
19. Micah having me go back out so he can yell surprise when I walk in the door.
20. Continuing to find stories that share who my mom was.
21. IKEA
22. Quiet. Did I mention that?
23. Having the boys in worship with us at church.
24. Life
25. Enjoying teaching today. Really just feeling it.
26. Learning from my mistakes.
27. Micah's snuggly blanket.
28. Slippers. A warm house. I can't imagine how people used to have to work so hard to stay warm.

Refections on Silence.

20 hours of not speaking. But I found that silence goes beyond words if you let it.

Both harder and easier than I thought it would be...

I planned for it and so I wasn't caught off guard in my actual teaching. I still felt helpless many times in those what needed help, but I knew that tomorrow I could help them if they needed help.

But it was the times I wasn't expecting it that were the hardest. Like lunch. I couldn't talk to my teammates and that is how we connect each day. I felt disconnected and that was tough. Or when somebody came in my room to fix my desk drawers and I had to "explain" myself. Or when I went in to put laundry in Aidan's room and he was still awake and asked me to cuddle with him.

You feel helpless when you can't talk, and I think that is something you can't discover unless you do it.

But then there was the good that came. My students were more engaged than ever and learned that they can "listen" all the more when they try. They couldn't rely on what they usually did and so it took them out of their comfort zone and therefore they grew more. And today they hardly had any questions on the lesson from yesterday.

Bottom line: you pay attention more to what is around you when there is silence. And I think that is the spiritual lesson I learned. That when you are silent you can't rely on yourself so much. You get out of your own way...and that is a lesson right there.

And surprisingly, when I broke the silence, I was more at peace. I didn't feel like I had to get out a whole bunch. I chose my words more carefully. I knew that words carried power and I understood the wisdom of Proverbs about what our tongue could do.

And today when I had the chance I didn't pick up my phone right away to make a call or text. I waited and chose to be silent for a little bit first.

Getting out my own way is always a lesson I can be reminded of.

The Giving heart...and all my son teaches me

I'm too tired to make this sound grammatically correct or even a great written story but it's one that must be told so here go...

2 weeks ago I Aidan did some extra chores around the house so I paid him double of his allowance. (10 bucks instead of 5.) So we sat down and divided it out between saving, spending, and God. So he takes his 10 bucks and saves 5 and gives 5 to God. He was saving for a lego and so he said he only needed 5 dollars to get it so he would give the rest to God. And so I used it as a teachable moment on how God takes what we give Him and muliplies it and we read the story of the little boy with the fish and the bread. He got it and wanted to give God $100 bucks when he got it. And we talked about how we don't give to God because we want Him to give it back to us but because we trust Him. I think he got it, for sure some seeds were planeted.

So the day continues and I thought he would want to head to the store and buy his lego, but instead he decides that he wants to save for a video game and so he needs to save $15 more dollars.

And he never once regretted giving God that extra $5. Even though he was now 4 dollars less than he really had earned.

He even offered his $35 this week multiple times. Once for Auntie and Uncle to go to Estonia and share God's love. Once to buy us a desk. Once to buy Micah some coloring books.

And then this week I found $5 that was buried in a card that he got way back at Halloween. And then today I found $8 more that was buried in old card he got for Valentines day.

And now he had $13 more than he expected. He can buy the video game.

He trusted. And God showed him blessing without him even expecting it, and reminded me the faith of a child.

I was humbled.

Haven't had a B...

...in over 15 years. And really that's nothing to brag about. It's more pathetic that I don't attempt anything that I can't be good it.

But yesterday I did.

I faced the fear and signed up for the Math Content Knowledge Test in March. I actually didn't want to tell anybody because then I would have to tell them if I passed or not. But good ole Donald Miller inspired me once again to have what he would call "an inciting incident." Like when he texted all his friends telling them he was going to meet his father so he couldn't bail on it.

And so I've been taking these math classes this summer and this fall. And I'm trying to live what I teach. That Bs are ok. Even though I got an A this summer and probably will this fall. I need to learn how to learn...not just get the grade. I'm stinking good at getting the As. But that's not what it is about anymore.

It is about doing something that I don't know how I will do. And although that is what I desire it is so much harder to live it. I can talk the big talk about taking risks and how to live on the edge. But really I suck at putting myself in a position that is risky. The last time I didn't get something I tried for was when I interviewed at Carmody. But it helped me get the job at Ranchview so I was able to use it as a stepping stone.

I need more stepping stones in life. And I guess that means I need to put myself out there more.

And someday I might even get a C...

"That was a good story"

I'm reading "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years"

...again.

Since I can't finish the other 6 books that I have yet complete I went back to one that I already did. I think that's cheating but that's ok. Nobody is grading me anyway.

And so he has all these great quotes that you can pull out and put up as Facebook Statuses. But really it is more than that. It is about knowing what you want and living that life.

And so tonight I watched Slumdog Millionare...like 4 years after it came out I know I'm a bit behind. And it is so not a Rachel movie. I almost quit on it in the beginning. But after I learned the character and what he wanted I was hooked. And the whole time you knew what he wanted. The girl. Not the money. The show was just because she would be watching.

But my favorite part was how his story...the junk that was in his life was used for good. The answers he knew to those questions were all from the experiences he had. And like he said, "I wish I didn't know the answer to that question." We all have those experiences. And they make our story.

So very cool.

And when we don't bail on something right away when the end credits roll we can say,

"That was a good story." Or so I hope...

Choose...10 months into it.

So I haven't blogged since May 5th and not sure what struck a chord with me to blog tonight. Maybe it is that you get blindsided in life sometimes and you need a way to process it. Maybe it is that you need to choose what to dwell on and this is how you do it. Whatever it is...here it goes.

So right now I really want to tell my kids how much I sacrifice for them and how great they have it. Or how hard it is to keep your cool when they knock over the shopping cart, or sass off, or continually screw around in the car.

But I'm taking my word and applying it when it is hardest.

Choose.

I choose to dwell on the true, pure, the lovely, the right, the noble, and trustworthy. Not because all the junk isn't there or to be in denial but rather to be in choice...I think it's different. And so I will dwell (key word I think) on that which is praiseworthy.

In Micah:
1. Your questions about God and Jesus and how they all work together. Something big is going on in that little mind of yours. And it is sinking into your heart.

2. Your sweetness with Tucker's baby brother.

3. How hard you work at easy talk with Aidan.

4. Your imagination with the Little People tonight.

5. Being ok with getting water when you asked for a shake. Didn't even ask again. Truly grateful.


In Aidan:
1. Your honesty about what happens at school, even when it's not always good.

2. Your imagination to create. You dream so super big that I don't even know what to do with it.

3. Your sharing of the grapes with Micah because you wanted to be good...and that was how you knew to do it with what you had.

4. Your huge hug when I picked you up from school. You give me one everyday and I don't take it for granted.

5. Your thankfulness for water and a cheeseburger. When I said you could get milk at home you rolled with it instantly.

Choosing...It always puts me in the right place. That's why I process this. It's too important to forget.

Thankful for...

Aidan. Straightup this kid teaches me more about myself than I would have ever been able to do without him. Just a couple days ago I had to have a pep talk with him when he was losing his football video game about how everybody loses. Nobody wins 100% of the time...hmmm. Good reminder mom.

Learning how to be a family first and foremost. In a year where I actually have less time with my family I have found I have loved and appreciated them more.

Summer coming. How could I not be? And seriously it is so stinking close I can taste it.

The excitement that Crick and Mindy have for the vision of going to Estonia. I also know it will be a blessing to be so close to them in the next year as they get closer to going on the field.

Still running. Running just because it is good for my heart, soul, mind, and body. Learning how to take care of myself without strict training.

The continual reminder of God's character that the Psalms brings. Even when I'm sucking it up investing in my time with God he continually brings me back in and hasn't changed.

The ocean. I loved it. I am now dreaming of a time where I will live on it. :)

Sod coming. Seriously I couldn't be more excited for grass.

Jeremy. His wisdom, his talents, his humility, and his encouragement. Going back to work has grown us together in ways that have humbled me and I am so so grateful.

God's continual provision. I want for nothing. I am blessed in so many ways and so many times I get ahead of myself and get like a greedy kid who just wants more. I want to live with a giving spirit where it is natural to give not take.

Students who just make me laugh. Are honest with me, are frustrating, and teach me as I teach them.

A job for next year.

The kids school that is phenomenal beyond words. I literally couldn't put into words how great this year has been for them...especially Aidan.

And a reminder that once I start lists like these I could go on forever. That rocks.

Trusting. Grateful. Inspired.

I'm trusting that the green will return again soon.

I am grateful for my family to defuse tonight for me...just what I needed.

I am inspired by gender based classrooms and what it can do for student's learning.

Feb 18th, 2008

Started rereading my old posts tonight. And I am reposting because this is so stinking profound. And faith building.

"Last night we were reading about Moses and crossing the red sea. And as I was reading the story and the Israelites were waiting to go across Aidan asked, "why didn't God give them a boat to cross?"
And I thought...I bet they were thinking the same thing. And yet a boat wasn't in God's plan because he was getting ready to do something bigger. Way bigger.

So to those of you that are looking for a boat to cross whatever it is that you facing, know that God is getting ready to send you a parting of the sea. Get ready for bigger."

Battle early (and often?)

I've always "battled" back with thankful lists when I needed reminders of my blessings. It fills me right up. And tonight I KNOW I have lots to be thankful for...yet I can feel some things creeping up on me. So I'm battling early, before it even gets to a point of necessity.

Thankful for...
1. A downright amazing week at school from both my boys. Blown away awesome.
2. Aidan's bubbling over with excitement when I picked up a friend with him to come home after school and play. Way too much videogames. That's what Fridays and friends are for :)
3. The Wii
4. Taking Micah shopping. His perspective. His pace.
5. Micah saying Hi to all the statutes at Tipsys.
6. Jeremy helping me on my Diet Coke surrender. Winning.
7. The treadmill.
8. Picassa and collages.
9. Word that I have not been displaced for next year.
10. Summer so so close.
11. Swimming lessons tomorrow.
12. Leaving for San Francisco in a week!
13. Anticipating time with Denise.
14. Flowers popping up in the yard.
15. Those students that continue to rock.
16. Music...autofill on my shuffle.
17. Writing my overwhelming list out on paper last night of what I need to do and adding find patience to it. And actually checking it off!
18. Disneyland.
19. Disneyland.
20. Yeah. Disneyland.
21. How the boys complement each other. Aidan builds Micah's new Lego spaceship and Micah totally cool with being able to play with it once it is put together.
22. An amazing marriage.
23. My laundry machine, dryer, dishwasher. Seriously can you imagine?
24. Jeremy finding a new restaurant...looking forward to a date to try it together.
25. Aidan's over overflowing in Legos.
26. Cash.
27. Being used to having no TV programming.
28. Fast dentist appointments.
29. Text messaging.
30. Having a job where I can be creative and "edit" each day.
31. Teaching solving equations.
32. Being ok with "unfinishness" in life.
33. Tinkerbell. And Micah finding it everywhere for me.
34. A friend helping out this morning.
35. My teammates at school.
36. The Foreman grill.
37. Sweet potato fries.
38. Living healthy day after day.
39. Being more comfortable in change.
40. Dreaming of new adventures.

"At Once"

Listened to the book of Mark this last week. Love that when you listen you catch things that you might not when you read.

Check it out.

"¹²At once the Spirit sent him out into the desert...

¹⁸At once they left their nets and followed him.

⁴³Jesus sent him away at once with a strong warning...

Placed a question in me of "would I leave at once?" if God called me to follow. Do I live with a sense of urgency in that which should be dropped for that which is eternal?

Hardly. I hear myself even saying out loud to my kids all the time "let me just finish..."

Praying for me to be more responsive in my life to the eternal.

Choose

Inspired to post tonight by my friend who talked about "mental backup". I think I definitely am one of those people. And when I get like that I find really unsettled...I can't answer a question simply like how are you? (Like when I went to get lab work done at the Dr this week she asked how are you? And like a goof I said "good, well not really but we all say good anyway" Really did she need to know that?) And I put my debit card loose in my purse instead of in my wallet. And I unload half the dishwasher, and I don't engage in where I am at and...

You get the picture. So if for nobody else but me tonight here goes.

So I have had this idea the last few words about a word for the year rather than resolutions. Something to grow as a person and to "resolve" in my character and I challenge those around me to do the same if they would like. The first year it was savor. I had a lot learn about what it meant to rest...not nap, rest. And I ended that year pretty burned out and felt like I didn't really get the word until after I lived in unsavoring for that year despite really wanting that in my life. Realized that savor meant you flavor something and you do that by adding less not more. (Think of spices, can you imagine adding a cup of Italian Seasoning to something?!) And so that flowed into the next year of open. And wow what a year 2009 was. I was open to new adventures, new friendships, open to surrender, open to accept my humanity, and open to the best that God has for my life rather than this "ideal" that we have built up in our minds. And last year rocked me in new amazing ways. I almost lost my son. I battled giving up control on things that I always held so tightly to and was blessed. I was in the classroom again. I followed promptings and saw the hand of God on situations in my life that were so obviously Him at work in. I made choices that brought me to best rather than trying to have it all.

It was kind of like having an awsome meal rather than an all you can eat buffet.

And I learned that life if about the choices we have day by day. The choices on what we dwell on. The choices that we act on. And so as I embrace a new word for this year I'm gonna have to go with choose. I toiled with joy for a while but really that is about choosing joy in circumstances. I toiled with heart because "For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. (Lu 6:45). As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man. (Pr 27:19) ..." And I was even thinking about going with content because again that is a choice of being not just full but satisfied but I think God wants to go big with me this year. I was hesistant to do a word that was so dependent on me but I think I know that my strength is straight up from my God and not from me. I don't think I am trying to do any of this on my own. Especially after living the year of 2009.

I only have so much time. I only have so much money. And both are investments to choose what to invest in. And so that is choosing. Just tonight I chose to stop and do this which means I won't have time to finish grading and entering grades and prepping for the week. So I will have to tomorrow which means I might have to give up something at that time...which I don't like but I have discovered accpecting it is a heck of a lot better than fighting it.

Every day I can choose to react on feelings or choose truth.

I choose to follow Him. Joshua 24:15 "But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

I choose.

Yep.

The battle List

Fighting frustration with Aidan by a good ole list to reflect on his heart and what I love about him.

1. Getting me a Popsicle tonight.

2. His excitement for football right now and that he totally gets how the game works. Thought that since I was a girl I wouldn't get it...I showed him.

3. His mind. Telling me how he was thinking about catching a shark and had a whole plan for it.

4. When he opened Christmas presents from his grandparents and told them on the phone "I'm so thankful I could just shout."

5. Seeing his growth in swimming. Unbelievable.

6. Pouring cereal for himself and Micah while Jeremy and I took our time getting up.

7. Being so excited that he had so many pajamas they wouldn't fit in his drawer.

8. Wanting to get baby Faith a present. And the picture that he drew for her...took a couple hours to do it.

9. Roleplaying back this morning with me so we could learn how much easier it was to obey.

10. That he can be crazy about Star Wars and legos one minute and football the next.

11. Wanting to grow his hair long so he can be like Lewis (the inventor from Meet the Robinsons)

12. Telling me many times his favorite parts in Cloudy with A Chance of Meatballs. And that he is going to make a machine that turns water into (fill in the blank.)

13. Asking impossible questions like "What if God made it that babies had mommies and we grew backwards in life?"

14. His love for pancakes. And that he is still thankful every time he has them.

15. How much he loves Micah.

13.

Day 15.

More listening. Have taken the 10 minute listen challenge and it is HARD to listen. Continuing to be open to what this can do in my life...it is definitely not natural for me. Need to be on the computer less so off I go.

Day 14.

Need to listen more in life all around. To my friends, my family, and to my God.

Day 10.

Cuddled with Aidan tonight. Changed everything.

Day 9

New game plan.

Actually no plan. Just have pretty much been blowing it and finding I need to take Paul's words to heart.

"Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy...think on these things."

True: I am loved.
Noble: I am a queen?! Hmm...that's a strange one.
Right...

Ok the specifics of this are harder than I thought. I do know this...there is lots to be thankful for.