It's kind of like being on vacation with God.

We move tomorrow. So of course I need to blab about something in this whole process that is built up inside of me. Here's the first thing that I need to remember I have learned.

...So yesterday I had this deep thought about life as I was talking to Denise. I was saying that life with God is a lot like going on vacation together in life. It doesn't matter if we go to California, Nebraska, or just visit each other, we are just happy we get to be together. And for the first time I felt like I got that is how God created this journey of life to be. Kind of like going on vacation with Him. Doesn't matter what house we live in, what job we have, what shoes we wear. It's just important that...

...we are together.

God and us. Doing this life together with God is a lot of times just about calling each other and connecting. Sometimes it is about the big stuff like crying about how we feel defeated and overwhelmed, sometimes it about what purse to buy, and sometimes it is just because we have a minute and what better than to pick up the phone and call. I want my life with God to be a relationship like that. A relationship that we can go anywhere and have a good time because we are together. A relationship that when we go on vacation we have a blast because it is an extension of our ongoing daily relationship. Of course I would rather go snorkel with the turtles than go to Nebraska, but I have the trust that even when we are doing the mundane of life the awesome will still be a part of the bigger story. Story. The story is about the characters first and foremost. You cannot have a story if you don't have characters in it. Then they connect. This is where I am at in so many ways. I am asking...who are the characters in my story? How do they connect? Then I wonder what are they doing? All story has parts that build into the purpose of the story. The movies that have action the whole time aren't really real in any way. They don't win those "sundance deep movie awards" or whatever they are called. They just have a whole bunch of stuff blowing up a lot. They don't make you think. The stories that make you think sometimes feel like they are moving really slow. There are these times where songs are playing and they are on road trips. Or they are at a wedding dancing or they are going out to dinner or playing frisbee. They are just being real people. Those are the movies that move me. Those are the ones that I know there is something more going on than just what you see at the moment. There is a story being built. There is connections being made. So I guess as I prepare for the next chapter in my story I want it to be more than I can see at the moment. I want it to be where a song is playing as I pack my house and eat twizzlers and sprite that Jenn brought over, and Micah takes the longest bath ever and sings about leaving the house the whole time, and Aidan builds on the Lego Creator software because "it is where your ideas can come to life". I want my ideas to come to life. I want my story to come to life. Just like the salmon that swim against the stream to create life I want to do that.

I know don't want to be just another boring person in suburban America. I really hope that I can create something from this seemingly ordinary life into something that inspires. Inspires hope. Inspires others to go beyond. Inspires others to create.

"Help me remembers"

I've known for a while that our minds are a battlefield. I've known that when I make gratitude lists I am remembering intentionally my blessings and that gives me perspective. But tonight I knew I needed to go deeper...I knew I needed to go deeper into my word in a Jesus and spiritual way.
And this is what I found:

Remembering Jesus

by Mark D. Roberts

READ 1 Corinthians 11:17-32

Then he broke it in pieces and said, "This is my body, which is given for you. Do this to remember me." In the same way, he took the cup of wine after supper, saying, "This cup is the new covenant between God and his people—an agreement confirmed with my blood. Do this to remember me as often as you drink it."

1 Corinthians 11:24-25

In order to deal with problems in the way the Corinthians were celebrating the Lord's Supper, the Apostle Paul reminded them of the tradition he had passed on earlier. He told once again the most basic story of the Last Supper, including crucial words of Jesus: "This is my body, which is given for you. Do this to remember me." "This cup is the new covenant between God and his people—an agreement confirmed with my blood. Do this to remember me as often as you drink it" (11:24-25).

In the original Greek of this passage, twice Paul uses the word anamnesis, which means "remembrance." Twice he quotes Jesus as saying, "Do this in remembrance of me." Why is remembering so essential? What happens when we remember Jesus?

Remembering is a central aspect of biblical faith. The people of Israel are to remember God's goodness to them, most of all his action of delivering them from bondage in Egypt (see, for example, Exod. 13:13; Deut. 5:5). Forgetting what God had done for them was the first step towards rebelling against him (Ps. 106:7). Thus David prays, "Let all that I am praise the LORD; may I never forget the good things he does for me" (Ps. 103:2).

Biblical faith rests, not just upon the revelation of God's truth in the form of laws or concepts, but also and essentially upon God's self-revelation through actions. God makes himself known to us through what he does, most of all, in saving us from sin. Thus, we know God most clearly when we remember the good things he does for us, the center of which is the saving death of Christ on the cross.

When we remember Jesus, we see God with clear vision. When we remember Jesus, we are refreshed in his grace. When we remember Jesus, we know, once again, that nothing in all creation can separate us from God's love.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION: The Lord's Supper is the central means by which we remember Jesus and his death for us. When you participate in this sacrament, how do you think of Jesus? What else in life helps you to remember God's love for you in Christ?

PRAYER: Lord Jesus, how good it is, how important it is, to remember you. In the busy rush of life, I can begin to live forgetfully. Though I know what you have done for me, I can go through a day without recalling your grace. Forgive me, Lord!

Help me to remember your love when I celebrate your Supper.

Help me to remember your love when I am tempted to sin against you.

Help me to remember your love when I have the opportunity to love a person in need.

Help me to remember your love when I feel afraid and lonely.

May I live each day remembering you, Lord Jesus, and your love for me demonstrated in your death.

All praise be to you! Amen.

I highlighted the above that jumped out at me. That forgetting was the first step towards rebellion. Wow. I knew remembering was important but having it in that light gave me all the more perspective of how critical it is:

So here are my "help me remembers":

• Help me remember your love when I'm overwhelmed. To know that your love goes beyond our circumstances and reaches into our heart and uses those things for good. Not just neutral, get though it attitude but good.

• Help me remember your love when I can't see beyond the moment. When I know that "spring is coming" and summer is right behind it...but all I can see is the snow and yuck. Help me remember that the shine always shines. The seasons always change.
  

• Help me remember your love when I want to have it all done right now. When I want life to feel complete help me remember that your love is not about life being in a good place because our stuff is done but because our sins are forgiven and we have eternal life where we don't have to toil.

• Help me remember your love when I feel disconnected. When I feel too much like a machine and not like a being...help me to remember what you created me for and help that to overcome my feelings with truth.
  

I want to...

I want to not always be living in urgent mode. I want to go for a run. I want to get quality time with my kids. I want to have more grace and less frustration. I want to play games and dance and dance. I want to bake bread. I want to take a nap. I want to finish my laundry and whole bunch of other stuff on my to-do list. I want to let everything on my to-do list go. I want to sit in the sun. I want to eat cookies. I want to swim and and swim. I want to get my house clean. I want to remember what is important.

A thankful list just because

I reread a bunch of my posts tonight and found that they inspired me to make a list just because so here it goes.
Thankful for:
1. Being able to do my laundry. Hasn't been that easy for the last 2 years.
2. Silence. Also hasn't been that easy.
3. Grad school. The opportunity to do something I've longed for. I have to remember that.
4. Aidan being so excited about looking on the computer at Legos with Micah.
5. Playing the "balloon game" with the boys. Didn't know you could have so much fun for less than $0.10
6. The boys birthday celebrations and the reminder that they bring of my mom.
7. Getting around safe in the snow.
8. Boots that don't hurt my feet.
9. Coming in the house and having Jeremy rocking it with the boys on his own homework that he makes up for them.
10. Realizing that my attitude towards my students impacts the rest of the hour. Start on a high.
11. Getting through another chapter of Geometry.
12. Not having rose sales be as bad as I thought.
13. Making cheese sandwiches for dinner for lunches for the next day,
14. New jeans that are too big because I've already got in better shape.
15. A treadmill in the house. Seriously rocking.
16. Saying no to good so I have time for great.
17. Quiet time for everybody.
18. Dreaming of summer and not having to make lunches.
19. Micah having me go back out so he can yell surprise when I walk in the door.
20. Continuing to find stories that share who my mom was.
21. IKEA
22. Quiet. Did I mention that?
23. Having the boys in worship with us at church.
24. Life
25. Enjoying teaching today. Really just feeling it.
26. Learning from my mistakes.
27. Micah's snuggly blanket.
28. Slippers. A warm house. I can't imagine how people used to have to work so hard to stay warm.

Refections on Silence.

20 hours of not speaking. But I found that silence goes beyond words if you let it.

Both harder and easier than I thought it would be...

I planned for it and so I wasn't caught off guard in my actual teaching. I still felt helpless many times in those what needed help, but I knew that tomorrow I could help them if they needed help.

But it was the times I wasn't expecting it that were the hardest. Like lunch. I couldn't talk to my teammates and that is how we connect each day. I felt disconnected and that was tough. Or when somebody came in my room to fix my desk drawers and I had to "explain" myself. Or when I went in to put laundry in Aidan's room and he was still awake and asked me to cuddle with him.

You feel helpless when you can't talk, and I think that is something you can't discover unless you do it.

But then there was the good that came. My students were more engaged than ever and learned that they can "listen" all the more when they try. They couldn't rely on what they usually did and so it took them out of their comfort zone and therefore they grew more. And today they hardly had any questions on the lesson from yesterday.

Bottom line: you pay attention more to what is around you when there is silence. And I think that is the spiritual lesson I learned. That when you are silent you can't rely on yourself so much. You get out of your own way...and that is a lesson right there.

And surprisingly, when I broke the silence, I was more at peace. I didn't feel like I had to get out a whole bunch. I chose my words more carefully. I knew that words carried power and I understood the wisdom of Proverbs about what our tongue could do.

And today when I had the chance I didn't pick up my phone right away to make a call or text. I waited and chose to be silent for a little bit first.

Getting out my own way is always a lesson I can be reminded of.

The Giving heart...and all my son teaches me

I'm too tired to make this sound grammatically correct or even a great written story but it's one that must be told so here go...

2 weeks ago I Aidan did some extra chores around the house so I paid him double of his allowance. (10 bucks instead of 5.) So we sat down and divided it out between saving, spending, and God. So he takes his 10 bucks and saves 5 and gives 5 to God. He was saving for a lego and so he said he only needed 5 dollars to get it so he would give the rest to God. And so I used it as a teachable moment on how God takes what we give Him and muliplies it and we read the story of the little boy with the fish and the bread. He got it and wanted to give God $100 bucks when he got it. And we talked about how we don't give to God because we want Him to give it back to us but because we trust Him. I think he got it, for sure some seeds were planeted.

So the day continues and I thought he would want to head to the store and buy his lego, but instead he decides that he wants to save for a video game and so he needs to save $15 more dollars.

And he never once regretted giving God that extra $5. Even though he was now 4 dollars less than he really had earned.

He even offered his $35 this week multiple times. Once for Auntie and Uncle to go to Estonia and share God's love. Once to buy us a desk. Once to buy Micah some coloring books.

And then this week I found $5 that was buried in a card that he got way back at Halloween. And then today I found $8 more that was buried in old card he got for Valentines day.

And now he had $13 more than he expected. He can buy the video game.

He trusted. And God showed him blessing without him even expecting it, and reminded me the faith of a child.

I was humbled.

Haven't had a B...

...in over 15 years. And really that's nothing to brag about. It's more pathetic that I don't attempt anything that I can't be good it.

But yesterday I did.

I faced the fear and signed up for the Math Content Knowledge Test in March. I actually didn't want to tell anybody because then I would have to tell them if I passed or not. But good ole Donald Miller inspired me once again to have what he would call "an inciting incident." Like when he texted all his friends telling them he was going to meet his father so he couldn't bail on it.

And so I've been taking these math classes this summer and this fall. And I'm trying to live what I teach. That Bs are ok. Even though I got an A this summer and probably will this fall. I need to learn how to learn...not just get the grade. I'm stinking good at getting the As. But that's not what it is about anymore.

It is about doing something that I don't know how I will do. And although that is what I desire it is so much harder to live it. I can talk the big talk about taking risks and how to live on the edge. But really I suck at putting myself in a position that is risky. The last time I didn't get something I tried for was when I interviewed at Carmody. But it helped me get the job at Ranchview so I was able to use it as a stepping stone.

I need more stepping stones in life. And I guess that means I need to put myself out there more.

And someday I might even get a C...