Haven't had a B...

...in over 15 years. And really that's nothing to brag about. It's more pathetic that I don't attempt anything that I can't be good it.

But yesterday I did.

I faced the fear and signed up for the Math Content Knowledge Test in March. I actually didn't want to tell anybody because then I would have to tell them if I passed or not. But good ole Donald Miller inspired me once again to have what he would call "an inciting incident." Like when he texted all his friends telling them he was going to meet his father so he couldn't bail on it.

And so I've been taking these math classes this summer and this fall. And I'm trying to live what I teach. That Bs are ok. Even though I got an A this summer and probably will this fall. I need to learn how to learn...not just get the grade. I'm stinking good at getting the As. But that's not what it is about anymore.

It is about doing something that I don't know how I will do. And although that is what I desire it is so much harder to live it. I can talk the big talk about taking risks and how to live on the edge. But really I suck at putting myself in a position that is risky. The last time I didn't get something I tried for was when I interviewed at Carmody. But it helped me get the job at Ranchview so I was able to use it as a stepping stone.

I need more stepping stones in life. And I guess that means I need to put myself out there more.

And someday I might even get a C...

"That was a good story"

I'm reading "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years"

...again.

Since I can't finish the other 6 books that I have yet complete I went back to one that I already did. I think that's cheating but that's ok. Nobody is grading me anyway.

And so he has all these great quotes that you can pull out and put up as Facebook Statuses. But really it is more than that. It is about knowing what you want and living that life.

And so tonight I watched Slumdog Millionare...like 4 years after it came out I know I'm a bit behind. And it is so not a Rachel movie. I almost quit on it in the beginning. But after I learned the character and what he wanted I was hooked. And the whole time you knew what he wanted. The girl. Not the money. The show was just because she would be watching.

But my favorite part was how his story...the junk that was in his life was used for good. The answers he knew to those questions were all from the experiences he had. And like he said, "I wish I didn't know the answer to that question." We all have those experiences. And they make our story.

So very cool.

And when we don't bail on something right away when the end credits roll we can say,

"That was a good story." Or so I hope...

Choose...10 months into it.

So I haven't blogged since May 5th and not sure what struck a chord with me to blog tonight. Maybe it is that you get blindsided in life sometimes and you need a way to process it. Maybe it is that you need to choose what to dwell on and this is how you do it. Whatever it is...here it goes.

So right now I really want to tell my kids how much I sacrifice for them and how great they have it. Or how hard it is to keep your cool when they knock over the shopping cart, or sass off, or continually screw around in the car.

But I'm taking my word and applying it when it is hardest.

Choose.

I choose to dwell on the true, pure, the lovely, the right, the noble, and trustworthy. Not because all the junk isn't there or to be in denial but rather to be in choice...I think it's different. And so I will dwell (key word I think) on that which is praiseworthy.

In Micah:
1. Your questions about God and Jesus and how they all work together. Something big is going on in that little mind of yours. And it is sinking into your heart.

2. Your sweetness with Tucker's baby brother.

3. How hard you work at easy talk with Aidan.

4. Your imagination with the Little People tonight.

5. Being ok with getting water when you asked for a shake. Didn't even ask again. Truly grateful.


In Aidan:
1. Your honesty about what happens at school, even when it's not always good.

2. Your imagination to create. You dream so super big that I don't even know what to do with it.

3. Your sharing of the grapes with Micah because you wanted to be good...and that was how you knew to do it with what you had.

4. Your huge hug when I picked you up from school. You give me one everyday and I don't take it for granted.

5. Your thankfulness for water and a cheeseburger. When I said you could get milk at home you rolled with it instantly.

Choosing...It always puts me in the right place. That's why I process this. It's too important to forget.

Thankful for...

Aidan. Straightup this kid teaches me more about myself than I would have ever been able to do without him. Just a couple days ago I had to have a pep talk with him when he was losing his football video game about how everybody loses. Nobody wins 100% of the time...hmmm. Good reminder mom.

Learning how to be a family first and foremost. In a year where I actually have less time with my family I have found I have loved and appreciated them more.

Summer coming. How could I not be? And seriously it is so stinking close I can taste it.

The excitement that Crick and Mindy have for the vision of going to Estonia. I also know it will be a blessing to be so close to them in the next year as they get closer to going on the field.

Still running. Running just because it is good for my heart, soul, mind, and body. Learning how to take care of myself without strict training.

The continual reminder of God's character that the Psalms brings. Even when I'm sucking it up investing in my time with God he continually brings me back in and hasn't changed.

The ocean. I loved it. I am now dreaming of a time where I will live on it. :)

Sod coming. Seriously I couldn't be more excited for grass.

Jeremy. His wisdom, his talents, his humility, and his encouragement. Going back to work has grown us together in ways that have humbled me and I am so so grateful.

God's continual provision. I want for nothing. I am blessed in so many ways and so many times I get ahead of myself and get like a greedy kid who just wants more. I want to live with a giving spirit where it is natural to give not take.

Students who just make me laugh. Are honest with me, are frustrating, and teach me as I teach them.

A job for next year.

The kids school that is phenomenal beyond words. I literally couldn't put into words how great this year has been for them...especially Aidan.

And a reminder that once I start lists like these I could go on forever. That rocks.

Trusting. Grateful. Inspired.

I'm trusting that the green will return again soon.

I am grateful for my family to defuse tonight for me...just what I needed.

I am inspired by gender based classrooms and what it can do for student's learning.

Feb 18th, 2008

Started rereading my old posts tonight. And I am reposting because this is so stinking profound. And faith building.

"Last night we were reading about Moses and crossing the red sea. And as I was reading the story and the Israelites were waiting to go across Aidan asked, "why didn't God give them a boat to cross?"
And I thought...I bet they were thinking the same thing. And yet a boat wasn't in God's plan because he was getting ready to do something bigger. Way bigger.

So to those of you that are looking for a boat to cross whatever it is that you facing, know that God is getting ready to send you a parting of the sea. Get ready for bigger."

Battle early (and often?)

I've always "battled" back with thankful lists when I needed reminders of my blessings. It fills me right up. And tonight I KNOW I have lots to be thankful for...yet I can feel some things creeping up on me. So I'm battling early, before it even gets to a point of necessity.

Thankful for...
1. A downright amazing week at school from both my boys. Blown away awesome.
2. Aidan's bubbling over with excitement when I picked up a friend with him to come home after school and play. Way too much videogames. That's what Fridays and friends are for :)
3. The Wii
4. Taking Micah shopping. His perspective. His pace.
5. Micah saying Hi to all the statutes at Tipsys.
6. Jeremy helping me on my Diet Coke surrender. Winning.
7. The treadmill.
8. Picassa and collages.
9. Word that I have not been displaced for next year.
10. Summer so so close.
11. Swimming lessons tomorrow.
12. Leaving for San Francisco in a week!
13. Anticipating time with Denise.
14. Flowers popping up in the yard.
15. Those students that continue to rock.
16. Music...autofill on my shuffle.
17. Writing my overwhelming list out on paper last night of what I need to do and adding find patience to it. And actually checking it off!
18. Disneyland.
19. Disneyland.
20. Yeah. Disneyland.
21. How the boys complement each other. Aidan builds Micah's new Lego spaceship and Micah totally cool with being able to play with it once it is put together.
22. An amazing marriage.
23. My laundry machine, dryer, dishwasher. Seriously can you imagine?
24. Jeremy finding a new restaurant...looking forward to a date to try it together.
25. Aidan's over overflowing in Legos.
26. Cash.
27. Being used to having no TV programming.
28. Fast dentist appointments.
29. Text messaging.
30. Having a job where I can be creative and "edit" each day.
31. Teaching solving equations.
32. Being ok with "unfinishness" in life.
33. Tinkerbell. And Micah finding it everywhere for me.
34. A friend helping out this morning.
35. My teammates at school.
36. The Foreman grill.
37. Sweet potato fries.
38. Living healthy day after day.
39. Being more comfortable in change.
40. Dreaming of new adventures.

"At Once"

Listened to the book of Mark this last week. Love that when you listen you catch things that you might not when you read.

Check it out.

"¹²At once the Spirit sent him out into the desert...

¹⁸At once they left their nets and followed him.

⁴³Jesus sent him away at once with a strong warning...

Placed a question in me of "would I leave at once?" if God called me to follow. Do I live with a sense of urgency in that which should be dropped for that which is eternal?

Hardly. I hear myself even saying out loud to my kids all the time "let me just finish..."

Praying for me to be more responsive in my life to the eternal.

Choose

Inspired to post tonight by my friend who talked about "mental backup". I think I definitely am one of those people. And when I get like that I find really unsettled...I can't answer a question simply like how are you? (Like when I went to get lab work done at the Dr this week she asked how are you? And like a goof I said "good, well not really but we all say good anyway" Really did she need to know that?) And I put my debit card loose in my purse instead of in my wallet. And I unload half the dishwasher, and I don't engage in where I am at and...

You get the picture. So if for nobody else but me tonight here goes.

So I have had this idea the last few words about a word for the year rather than resolutions. Something to grow as a person and to "resolve" in my character and I challenge those around me to do the same if they would like. The first year it was savor. I had a lot learn about what it meant to rest...not nap, rest. And I ended that year pretty burned out and felt like I didn't really get the word until after I lived in unsavoring for that year despite really wanting that in my life. Realized that savor meant you flavor something and you do that by adding less not more. (Think of spices, can you imagine adding a cup of Italian Seasoning to something?!) And so that flowed into the next year of open. And wow what a year 2009 was. I was open to new adventures, new friendships, open to surrender, open to accept my humanity, and open to the best that God has for my life rather than this "ideal" that we have built up in our minds. And last year rocked me in new amazing ways. I almost lost my son. I battled giving up control on things that I always held so tightly to and was blessed. I was in the classroom again. I followed promptings and saw the hand of God on situations in my life that were so obviously Him at work in. I made choices that brought me to best rather than trying to have it all.

It was kind of like having an awsome meal rather than an all you can eat buffet.

And I learned that life if about the choices we have day by day. The choices on what we dwell on. The choices that we act on. And so as I embrace a new word for this year I'm gonna have to go with choose. I toiled with joy for a while but really that is about choosing joy in circumstances. I toiled with heart because "For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. (Lu 6:45). As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man. (Pr 27:19) ..." And I was even thinking about going with content because again that is a choice of being not just full but satisfied but I think God wants to go big with me this year. I was hesistant to do a word that was so dependent on me but I think I know that my strength is straight up from my God and not from me. I don't think I am trying to do any of this on my own. Especially after living the year of 2009.

I only have so much time. I only have so much money. And both are investments to choose what to invest in. And so that is choosing. Just tonight I chose to stop and do this which means I won't have time to finish grading and entering grades and prepping for the week. So I will have to tomorrow which means I might have to give up something at that time...which I don't like but I have discovered accpecting it is a heck of a lot better than fighting it.

Every day I can choose to react on feelings or choose truth.

I choose to follow Him. Joshua 24:15 "But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

I choose.

Yep.

The battle List

Fighting frustration with Aidan by a good ole list to reflect on his heart and what I love about him.

1. Getting me a Popsicle tonight.

2. His excitement for football right now and that he totally gets how the game works. Thought that since I was a girl I wouldn't get it...I showed him.

3. His mind. Telling me how he was thinking about catching a shark and had a whole plan for it.

4. When he opened Christmas presents from his grandparents and told them on the phone "I'm so thankful I could just shout."

5. Seeing his growth in swimming. Unbelievable.

6. Pouring cereal for himself and Micah while Jeremy and I took our time getting up.

7. Being so excited that he had so many pajamas they wouldn't fit in his drawer.

8. Wanting to get baby Faith a present. And the picture that he drew for her...took a couple hours to do it.

9. Roleplaying back this morning with me so we could learn how much easier it was to obey.

10. That he can be crazy about Star Wars and legos one minute and football the next.

11. Wanting to grow his hair long so he can be like Lewis (the inventor from Meet the Robinsons)

12. Telling me many times his favorite parts in Cloudy with A Chance of Meatballs. And that he is going to make a machine that turns water into (fill in the blank.)

13. Asking impossible questions like "What if God made it that babies had mommies and we grew backwards in life?"

14. His love for pancakes. And that he is still thankful every time he has them.

15. How much he loves Micah.

13.