Haven't posted in a while. And found that my mind kind of gets backed up when I don't. My life is so FULL now that I am examining the heart of what to pour into. And it's been laid on my heart to "nurture that which God has entrusted to me". And finding what that LOOKS like not just some cute Rachel idea has challenged me to new depths. My house is no longer the papers filed, dishes done, laundry put away (ok never have been so great at that) house that it once was. It's appearance is definitely more un-kept. My running has gone from 6 miles at a time with spinning and lifting to 2 miles with some push-ups. My grading is rarely done. My Christmas presents aren't started and (possibliy complete) but the heart of it is...we are thriving as a family. (Yeah despite evertyone actually physically being sick right now.)
I have faced more fears in the last 3 months than I knew I could. Here's some hard core honestly...appearing to be all together has something that was vital to me. Coming from a home where I was poor I did whatever I could to make sure nobody knew that...found some great reasons why I had tickets for lunch when really the reason was that I got them reduced. I faced a lot of my fear of apperance when dealing with my mom's death. Explaining an overdose isn't excatly an easy one either. I want more than anything to look like I have it together and so having this house so imcomplete has been a constant struggle for me to "explain away the remodeling". But funny thing is I don't anymore. I invited Aidan' entire class and their moms over for a Haloween party and faced my fear that my house is incomplete and yet we are celebrating anyway. (God was gracious and dumped so much snow that nobody saw our incomplete lawn and debris.) My heart was more complete having him have friends to invite over than to worry that the bathroom is gutted.
I have gained 3 lbs. My laundry is sitting in a basket. I left papers at school. I don't feel ready to teach" competing the sqaure". Which is the next fear I need to face...taking the math certification. I already have faced the fear of people finding me out that I'm not a "real math teacher". And yet the side I chose to celebrate is an amazing conference for Aidan at school, a boy soaring in his speech once again. And hearing...
"mommy I don't want anything on my Christmas list. I am blessed."
Sweet. So am I.
(Inspired by: http://mollyirwin.typepad.com/mollyirwin/2009/11/thankful-november-13.html)
2 comments:
It does my heart good to read this post. "Be content with such things as you have." How is it that we don't start grasping this concept until we're in our 30's? Here's to you and nurturing what you've been entrusted with.
awesome. :)
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